Relationship with Thais, 9/19/21

I'm gonna vent about my relationship with thais here, writing this at 3 am on 9/19/21

I feel a lot of things when I think about her. It seems like she has a new boyfriend, a dude who took boxing classes. It takes all my power not to judge him or campare him to myself, but ultimately, such a thing is unproductive and defensive of my shitty ego.

What do I think of Thais? I think she is respectable in her ability to stand up for herself and her rhetorical ability. What do I not like about her? She is extremely egotistical and is not introspective, as I've witnessed. Things are not about her, but about what others have done to her, or whatever she targets as her enemy. I do not vibe with this, and buying into this falsehood really took a toll on my mental health while we were dating.

I genuinely believe, in my heart of heart, that I am better off without her as an influence of my life. I vow that I will not react to her, positively or negatively, for she is a volatile influence that may target me or may be offended by me. I do not know. But she is absolutely capable of hurting my feelings. I loved her, even if I bought into some different sense of reality that as compromising to her personality in order to love her. The comfort and security of that love is difficult to replace, but now that I've found much of the same security in holy Wisdom, I feel okay about it.

Am I over Thais? Yes, I was over her before we broke up. Do I still have lingering feelings regarding our relationship? Yes. I feel guilty for my part in convincing her, and myself, that I was something that she would fall in love with. By the end, I just wanted pussy. And I couldn't admit that. I was SO frustrated when I got flowers and wanted to watch LOTR that she wouldn't have sex. SO FRUSTRATED. I felt like I didn't get nearly as much out of that relationship that she was. I was affirming her, while she didn't give me the one thing I wanted. Maybe it's true, women use sex to get to a man's heart, men use love to get to a woman's pussy. Sad. I find it extreemly problematic to desire such things, of the flesh, but seriously, that was the draw to stay with Thais. By the end, she was dependent on me, and I didn't give a fuck about her. I dropped her off at the train station, and I was more concerned about people judging me for not wearing a mask than I was for her well being. She texted me panicked abt her being trapped in waterford ME, 30 mins away from her destination for the summer, and I didn't wanna fucking deal with it. I had broken up with her, stop talking to me, jesus christ.

Any mention of her name triggers this dilemma to me. Was she good for me? My friends say she wasn't. I felt like she was. I didn't want it? Why not? It was love and affirmation. Is that not enough? What else do I want? Who do I want it from? Where can I find these people?

Right now, I feel in a good place. My youtube and MC are successful. I have a kind of vibrant social life. There are many people I want to get to know more. She's dating someone new, and I am jealous about it semi-often. It is okay that I feel these things, but ultimtaely it comes from comparison and ego. I am happy for them, whatever love and fulfillment she finds, for legit I will one day find the same. Obviously, our love was not meant to be, and whatever happens now or in the future will be harm or haven for her.

Would I be writing this if I were truly over Thais? Probably not, I wouldnt' give a fuck. But I feel cathartic in it. It's one of those things where you think about them less and less as the day goes on. I think I thought about her twice. I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't think about me at all today. But that's how it goes, and it's chill. I just want to live by my 10 tenets, and feel the love that comes from all around me.