3/15/2021

On this day I broke up with Thais. I walked into her room, gave her my present for our 1 year anniversary (a month late because she hadn't gotten my purple youtube hoodie from Gabby yet), and then left. I thought outside, went back to her room, and I took both her arms, and I choked out that I think we should break up. She didn't think that I was serious at first, but I insisted because I had lost passion, felt like I was on routine, and didn't like spending time with her. We started arguing, she said I should keep at it like I said I value doing, and I said I thought it was done. She gave me all the things of mine in her room, and insulted me for giving her a 5-minute breakup. It hurt when she gave back the frog necklace, Claude, that I got her for her birthday. As I left her room with my box of stuff, she said "You know, you suck". and I said "Yep." I returned to my room with mixed feelings, feeling like it was done but hurting a LOT inside. I cried a lot. I took a walk around the campus listening to sad music, and watched the cloudy sunset on Indian hill. It was cold, but I didn't feel it. I came back, and noticed I had her detergent and toothbrush in my room still, so I brought it to hers and left it in front of the door. I heard her saying something about someone hitting her up, but this turned out to be false. Thais would later tell me this is disrespectful but I don't understand that. She then came with Siry, Rachel, and Payal to my door. I said "What is this, a powermove?" while looking behind her. She made her way into my room and angrily wanted the nonlatex condoms and lube that I bought for us, saying "not like you're gonna be needing any". Oof. I gave her those two things but not my latex condoms, and told her to get out of my room.

I told the dudes that I broke up with her through Instagram. Daniel came and talked to me for a bit, which really helped me out. I kind of forced him out of the room early, though, because I needed to cry and I didn't wanna do it in front of him, even though he said it was okay. I cried with my face in my bedsheets. That night was terrible. I got high, and I saw shadows dancing around, I felt weak inside and like the pillow I was holding was cold and hollow. At 5:00 AM, I got a text from Thais saying she wanted to talk. So she came over to my room and we sat across from each other and talked about why I did this, what I was feeling, what she was feeling. It was very bare for me because there was no reason to hold back now, no reason to please her. We agreed we could take an armistice and slowly + cautiously get back together. It was hard, though. I regret this day very much, but at least now I know that cutting off from her just to end my commitment is not a very viable option.