9/29/21

I went to two classes today and out in public wearing these sexy fishnet glove things. Only one person said they liked it, everyone else ignored it, gave it weird looks, or talked about it. Interesting to see how they did.

- I overheard one person say "they definitely made a choice in wearing that. Search different types of emo"

- One group was talking about how ridiculous it was, or something I didn't quite hear that part, but I did hear one say "He's got a chill about it though".

- I won kahoot and my name was Fishes and the teacher asked why that was my name, and I said "cause I got the nets", and I don't quite remember the reaction to that. Maybe it got kinda louder after I did?

I overheard this second one, and then I got real self conscious. For a little bit I stewed, and then when the class got real quiet, I went, kind of loudly, "Holy crap it got quiet so suddenly in here!" and a couple people awkwardly chuckled. Analysis below. But I did hear one guy behind me mention the same kind of thing later when it happened again. So maybe it was effectual to him?

I've noticed when I get self conscious, I go very meta and want everyone's attention. I want to be in control of how people are currently perceiving me, so I go out of my way, often loud or obnoxious or wacky to do so. This is not what happened with the fishnets, but saying It got quiet suddenly. So for that, when I feel I am being judged, I will make a future effort to calmly acknolwedge it, and then move on and act normally. I will buy into the social game elsewhere, but still keep the middle balance of self conscious - meta aware.